MY BATTLE TO BE THIN . . I WILL WIN

sometimes i really want to just die….

my weight has gone up again. and i have really lost any drive. i don’t know whats wrong with me anymore. i start school in ten days and i’m back to 196 WTF is wrong with me.

Binge/purge fuck fuck fuck.

i can’t stand this. i saw no results today. and for some reason freaked the fuck out. i ate so much like a lunatic. i just turned into a damn animal. i’ve never binged like this. yesterday i only ate 48 calories i fell asleep before i could accurately finish my day. i feel like every post is about me fucking up. every day. 

so after it was over i went to purge and i did until i had snot and vomit coming out of my nose and my throat was so raw i thought i might die. i felt my heart beating in my chest. after i was through i waited a moment. i hate myself. it’s fucking disgusting i never wanted to be here again but here i am vomiting in a fucking toilet feeling like the fat fucking piece of shit i am. i waited a moment though after it all because i hated knowing i have to go wash my face and brush my teeth. but by doing that i have to look at myself. and i hate everything about myself in this moment. 

so after its through i weigh myself

183.4

CW: 184.0 (-?)

G2: 163 (-21)
G3: 121
G4: 108
G5: 99

the past few days were a complete mess. but i’m back on. i’m doing all my workouts and my diet is working twenty one pounds and i’ll have gotten goal number one. i feel a bit crazy but i will stay up today so i can get my sleeping schedule on track i need to find really good metabolism helping drinks or non calorie “helpers” 

i’ve been away./ NEW WORKOUT PLAN

kind of off the deep end again. and just vomiting and binging. something i said i’d never do again. but here i am… 

i feel like this is common with people like this. they make a choice and just fuck it up. all this dieting is maybe setting myself up to fail?…

i want to just think of myself as a robot something soul less. i want my mouth to feel clean and pure. like it was full of cotton. but i’m back 

100 jumping jacks
arm work/abs (tracy anderson method)
Running (a little over a mile)
Dance cardio (30 min. tracy anderson meth.)
left leg exhaustion (tracy anderson method.)
right leg exhaustion (tracy anderson method)
100 jumping jacks

now this mixed with aprox. 200 calories a day i will be my goal weight in no time.

CW: 184.8 (-1.8)

G2: 163 (-21.8)
G3: 121
G4: 108
G5: 99

so i’m finally almost where i was before my awful binge the other day. i didn’t leave my mothers last night like i was supposed to be so much lower at this point. but i’ve cancelled my appointment with the doctors on the fifth. 

anyway i might still do the whole laxative thing even though it was really painful but it seems that i was able to loose almost two pounds even without working out so what would happen if i added working out. i’m not exactly sure. also i need to incorporate some metabolism upping things like green tea or something i gotta look some stuff up unless anyone has any suggestions reply or message me!!!!!

made a mistake.

i binged and purged today. i wasn’t even hungry i was just angry. and sad. i don’t really understand i’m starting to think that i do this instead of cutting like its an emotional release. does that sound stupid? i’ve never cut i’ve never felt the need to self harm but i get so filled with emotion and upset about a million and a half things and then i find myself binging and purging. i mean is that even a real thing? 

i don’t know. i don’t know whats wrong with me anymore.